And so the journey continues, within and without, and has lead me once again to a new place to write.
Spring is here in full force, after hovering uncertainly at the edges of Winter for a few weeks. She arrived in an explosion of color and a scent on the wind so sweet it makes the heart ache.
I, for one, am glad of her arrival. My bones are ready for some warmer weather and I am ready to spend as much of my time outside as is feasible.
The tree we planted over the spot we buried Maxii is finally old enough to start blooming with some gusto. I feel pretty certain that she’d like the tree we picked for her, but who knows. I miss that dog, that I do know.
Nursing school has started and we’re three weeks in. Part of me never thought I’d actually get here, and now that I’m here, it’s still kind of hard to believe. The forced socialization isn’t very hard in the moment, as we’re only together for 3-4 hours a day, four days a week; but I can feel the effects of that much social interaction when I finally get home and am not surrounded by quite so much stimulation.
I need the dark and the quiet and the aloneness that singles me out when I’m in groups. I have some really great classmates who invite me to study groups, but so far I haven’t been able to make myself go. I study best alone… I do a lot of things best alone. But Monday is another study group and I’m planning to go this time. It is highly unlikely that it will kill me, and I will probably get some benefit out of it. And then I can go home and hide in my house afterward (kiddingnotkidding…)
I used to wish in a very tiny part of my heart that I was more social, more extroverted, more able to talk to anyone at anytime about anything and be totally okay. But I’ve accepted that this will probably never be an easy thing for me to do, and I’ve accepted that this is okay.
There needs to be folks on the edges… there needs to be that one, quiet person in the room that has one wildly different perspective that can speak up, finally, once everyone else had their say and who can point to paths not readily seen. I’m not sure if I’ll ever really be this particular person either, but occasionally I have been and am still.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking over the past few months about the edges of things and realized that that is where I feel most at home. One the edges, on the fringe, just on the other side of the hedges where the wild wood creeps close and green. I worried for a little while what this would mean for the future of my chosen career… where will I work? Will I be happy there? Will I hate it and regret the two years I spend in school to get my RN? I don’t have an answer for myself yet, but I’ve come to a few realizations.
Traditional nursing (i.e. in a hospital or facility) is quite probably not where I’m going to end up working once I’m done with school, or at least not for very long. There are other things, things I can’t quite see yet out of the corners of my eyes, that are twining, ever so subtly around my heart and once they make themselves known to me, I’ll follow them. Greener things, herby things… wild things. Things that will let me work with communities in need, with folks that might have trouble accessing medical care.
I have two years, though, until I need to worry about getting a nursing job… so until then, my job is to study and memorize and read a lot of pages. I am trying not to be anxious because I don’t know exactly what kind of nurse I want to be or where I want to work… but it’s hard. I like to have a plan and a backup plan, but I know that if I can stop trying to zero in on something that’s apparently not quite ready to come into focus just yet, that it will come into focus, and I will finally know, when it’s time and when I’m ready.